A Parents Guide

This response to your kids first phone request works well for two reasons: It puts the focus on the idea rather than the child, and it keeps open the possibility of a different decision down the road.
First, you don’t want your kid to feel personally slighted. Especially if they use the “But all my friends have one” excuse, they may feel unfairly singled out. Point out all of the other kids in their life that do not yet have a phone, either.
Second, even if you’re saying “no” to your kids phone request now, you’ll need to get them one eventually. Explain what it would take for you to change your mind: Is it better grades? Taking on more responsibilities at home? Set a clear goal so that your kid feels like that first phone is something they can earn.

It’s the truth: Your decision to postpone your kids first phone is about more than their age. Make sure they understand that there isn’t some magic number they need to hit that automatically qualifies them for a wireless phone.

This response also opens the door for you to explain your rationale. Whether it’s behavioral issues at school or bullying concerns, there are plenty of valid reasons to delay the smartphone.

Sooner or later, your kid is bound to trot out the “I just want to talk to my friends” reason for getting a phone for a kid. Don’t be swayed.

Wireless phones are tools for staying in touch, but they’re not the only — and certainly not the best — way to do it. Real-world interactions are more fulfilling than texts or phone calls. Plus, it’s important that your kid learn to build and maintain relationships before they worry about life online.

Yes, a wireless phone is great to have in an emergency. But it also introduces new dangers. Talk through them together:

1. Mental Health
There are troubling links between screen time and mental health issues in children. The more time young people spend using screens, the more likely they are to experience anxiety or depression.
Although it’s not clear that screen time actually causes mental health issues, there’s still reason to be concerned: You don’t want your kid trying to cover up underlying emotional issues with YouTube videos or social media.

2. Cyberbullying
Getting away from a bully used to be as simple as leaving the area. But when your kid is carrying a screen around, bullies have 24/7 access. When taking into consideration the fact that 27% of students in one survey said they were cyberbullied at some point, we can’t ignore its impact.
Remember, too, that bullying is a two-way street: Your child may use a phone to bully others, even if he or she hasn’t in the past. A screen gives a sense of anonymity and privacy that can invite bad behavior.

3. Data security
Many children don’t yet understand the concept of a digital footprint. Everything they say and do online is logged somewhere. Seemingly trivial actions today can come back to bite.
Children may not see a problem in sharing their Spotify password. They may be happy to take online surveys, which are often designed to harvest personal data. Inappropriate photos or text messages can be dug up years down the road.
If physical safety is truly a concern, make sure your child is with others in risky situations. Teachers and other parents should accompany them on school trips. If they walk home from school, maybe they can walk with a few friends.
You know best whether your kid is or isn’t ready for a phone. When you’ve made your decision about buying a kids phone, make sure you choose the right device.

Just because other people behave badly on the internet shouldn’t mean everything goes for your son or daughter. Lay out what’s OK, what’s not, and how you’ll deal with bad behavior.

Where’s the line between venting about a tough day and ranting angrily? Is making a joke about someone else cyberbullying? What kind of photos should be kept offline?

Make sure these guidelines have some teeth. Maybe your child gets a warning for a first or minor slip-up. After that, should they lose their wireless phone privileges? For how long: a day, a week, or a month?

Remember learning “stranger danger” when you were young? Today’s kids need a similar mindset when they set foot in the digital world. Not everyone is who they seem online, and some of those individuals would happily take advantage of an unsuspecting teen.

This isn’t just about scammers and child predators, either. Shared passwords can lead to identity theft, and phishing emails trick even cybersecurity experts. And once your child’s data is out on the internet, there’s no telling in whose hands it will wind up.

Even phones for kids can be used in dangerous, destructive ways. Only a caring parent can stop a kid from spending their whole day texting with a bad apple.

Make sure your child knows the difference between educational and entertainment-based usage. Although the two might sound distinct, there are a lot of grey areas.

If your kid hauls out his phone to do research for a school project, that’s clearly educational; so is coordinating with classmates on a group project. But what about listening to a podcast or watching an art film? Is that educational, or is it entertainment?

There are no hard and fast rules around what media your kid should or shouldn’t be accessing online. Decide for yourself which activities fall on which side of the line.

Once you’ve completed your roadmap for your kids first phone, don’t just hand it to them and hope they read it. Go through it together: Do they agree with your assessment of educational v. entertainment usage? Would they be OK with being teased online? Get on the same page before your child has their first phone in hand.

Just ask your kid: There’s nothing they want more for their birthday than a shiny new phone.

Although there’s more to maturity than age, birthdays are reminders your kid is growing up. If they’ve demonstrated safe driving habits during the permit period but you can’t afford to get them their own car, a new phone might make a good 16th birthday gift.

Be sure to highlight the parallels: They can get themselves into legal trouble by misusing their phone, just as they can a car. They need to make smart choices without an adult constantly looking over their shoulder.

For your teen, getting their first job is a big deal. A job requires them to manage their schedule, keep their emotions in check, and work hard even when it’s not fun.

Consider recognizing their growth with a smarter phone. Better yet, let them buy it themselves with that first paycheck. They’ll take better care of it, and they’ll feel a sense of pride when they pull it out of their pocket.

Aside from getting hired, there are all sorts of accomplishments you should recognize in your kid’s life. Perhaps they achieved an academic goal, earned a spot in the National Honor Society, or became an Eagle Scout.

Each of those things takes commitment and planning. Realize that your kid could have given into temptation instead — whether that’s eating unhealthy snacks or hanging out with friends during homework time — and chose not to. That’s a signal they also won’t give in to the temptation to overuse social media or waste hours on phone games.

Graduating high school is a big deal, especially if your child struggled earlier in their education. Being accepted by their university of choice is an even bigger reason for celebration.

One way to signal that they’re transitioning to adult life is with a smarter phone. Soon, when and how they use their phone will be out of your hands. The apps they download and the messages they send will be entirely their own business. Consider getting them a fully featured phone a few weeks in advance in case they need a little guidance.

Before you know it, your child will be fully in charge of themselves. How they use technology will be their call. Until then, however, it’s up to you.